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Illustration of girl with smartphone head
‘It’s possible for children to have smartphones and not become addicted.’ Illustration: Lo Cole/The Guardian
‘It’s possible for children to have smartphones and not become addicted.’ Illustration: Lo Cole/The Guardian

Should we buy our 10-year-old daughter a smartphone?

This article is more than 5 years old

Say no for now, but she can have one at high school if you think she is mature enough, says Annalisa Barbieri

Our oldest daughter is in year 5, a sensible and independent 10-year-old and she wants a smartphone. She is already an owner of a dumb-phone, as she walks to the local shops by herself and sometimes part of the way home from school. However, many of her friends have smartphones. 

The requests, pleas and promises of how well she would use one are coming thick and fast. My husband and I think she would be sensible; she isn’t a technology addict and spends most of her time playing in more time-honoured ways. She has been learning about the many dangers and horrors of technology, as well as its benefits. She is literate and thoughtful in her social interactions, and would think through her texts and comments on a chat group if she joined one. In short, she would probably be fine and safe if we caved in to peer pressure, and her nagging.

However, I don’t want her to have a smartphone just yet. It’s so expensive and unnecessary, except as a means for not being left out of the gang (does that count as necessary?). I would rather she carried on filling her free time with drawing and playing. I wouldn’t want a phone sucking the life out of her daydreaming time. My feeling is the longer we can hold off and stand firm, the better. But I don’t want her to become a social pariah, and I don’t want her to feel we are saying no because we don’t trust her.

How would you argue the case for deferral to a free-thinking and sensible young girl of 10 and a half? Or would you go with the crowd? 


There’s nothing wrong with going with the crowd, if that’s the right thing to do (ask the wildebeest) but it clearly isn’t for you, as you answer your own question: “I don’t want her to have a smartphone just yet.” And I think you’re right. So what is making you hesitate? You can’t give your daughter something because you are scared of her becoming a social pariah, because where would that end? Sometimes as the parent you have to make the hard decisions and be the backbone. But you need to be confident in your decision and to do that you have to think it through and discuss it (see later).

It’s possible for children to have smartphones and not become addicted, and for them to use them sensibly – sometimes more so than adults in the family. They can have them and also read lots and still play outside. It’s not black and white.

You asked me what I would do. I have never fetishised technology, but don’t demonise it. I haven’t, and wouldn’t, buy my children smartphones, but I have given them my old ones with rules attached; as you say they are expensive but also it’s important for parents to understand their children’s phones and how they work. But parental decisions made with no discussion don’t garner respect and understanding, only resentment. And perceived injustice plants seeds of anger for later – who needs that?

When your daughter gets to secondary school, many things will change. She will become more independent and have more of a private life. The case against the smartphone becomes harder to make – so I’m trying to give realistic advice. I would say no for now, but she can have one at high school if you think she is mature enough, and being mature means being able to listen to reason, understand it and show appropriate behaviour. Tell her it’s great she feels so enthusiastic about something and she can put her energy towards doing jobs around the house to put money aside for her phone.

It’s interesting that you see the smartphone as more of an issue than social media. I am the opposite. Your daughter may be thoughtful in her interactions but not everyone will be. A smartphone can be an amazing way to communicate and discover, but can become a tool that brings school life – and its problems – home. It’s that that I would guard against most, because we all need switch-off time. Think of some rules for smartphone use; they need to be discussed and work for you as a family – eg, no phones upstairs, minimal use once home, no social media or only certain sites, no independent app-buying, etc. A smartphone shouldn’t be a byword for “do what you want”.

This will be the first of many things she feels passionate about and you may not agree with. She needs to listen to you and you to her. But you are the adult, you are in charge and have the long view. And it’s your job to take that long view at times where her vision can see only what’s right in front of her.

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